My Helen Thomas fantasy

Here's an extra-complete transcript of Bush's response to Helen Thomas, who asked for the real reason for the Iraq war.

As Bush obfuscated, Helen tried to redirect, which is standard press-conference ettiquette.

Bush brushed off her follow-up comments, which weren't audible on the recording. So, we've included the interjections that she (or any other sane person) might have said:

[FH=Fantasy Helen]

"I didn't want war. To assume I wanted war is just, uh, it's just flat wrong, Helen, in all due respect. No, hold on for a second please. Let-- excuse me, excuse me. No president wants war. Everything you may have heard is that, but it's just simply not true.

FH: OK, I'll ignore the mountains of evidence to the contrary. Thanks!

I, uh, my attitude about the defense of this country changed on September the 11th.

FH: That's true. Instead of ignoring Al Qaeda and fixating on a spurious threat from Iraq, you're ignoring Al Qaeda and creating a bona fide threat in Iraq.

Uh, we, uh, when we got attacked, I vowed then and there to use every asset at my disposal to protect the American people.

FH: You also vowed to do that on January 20, 2001.

Our foreign policy changed on that day, Helen. You know, we used to think we were secure. Because of oceans and previous diplomacy. But we realized on September the 11th, 2001 that killers could destroy innocent life.

FH: You suddenly realized that killers could destroy innocent life? What are you, four years old?

And I'm never going to forget it, and I'm never going to forget the vow I made to the American people, that we will do everything in our power to protect our people.

FH: You vowed to the American people that you'd protect our people? Talk much?

Part of that meant to make sure that we didn't allow people to provide safe haven to an enemy, and that's why I went into Iraq. Hold on for a second. Let, let-- Excuse me for a second please, excuse me for a second. They did.

FH: Okay, repeat after me. Afghanistan is not Iraq. Afghanistan is not Iraq--

The Taliban provided safe haven for Al Qaeda.

FH: What did I just tell you?

That's where Al Qaeda trained and-- Helen, excuse me. That's where, uh, that's where, uh, I-- Afghanistan provided safe haven for Al Qaeda. That's where they trained, that's where they plotted. That's where they planned... the attacks that killed thousands of innocent Americans.

FH: Hey, Dubya -- you got any friends in Saudia Arabia? No? Too bad, 'cause you might want to look into the place where 15 of the 19 hijackers were from.

I also saw a threat in Iraq.

FH: You're slipping, dude. For three years, you've conflated Iraq and 9/11 with the precision of a three-card monte dealer. But "I also saw a threat in Iraq?" No sleight of hand, no debunked claims about Mohammed Atta meetings? Just "I also saw a threat in Iraq?" How fucking dumb is your base, anyway?

I was hoping to solve this problem diplomatically. That's why I went to the Security Council. That's why it was important to pass 1441, which was unanimously passed. And the world said "disarm, disclose, or face serious consequences. " And therefore, I, we worked with the world, we worked to make sure Saddam Hussein heard the message of the world.

FH: "We worked with the world?" You really are four years old, aren't you?

And when he chose to deny the inspectors. When he chose not to disclose. Then I had the difficult decision to make to remove him.

FH: What was especially difficult was kicking out the inspectors who had unprecedented access after the bi-partisan resolution had completely succeeded.

And we did, and the world is safer for it.

FH: There's a Mrs. Sheehan on line 1. You wanna take it?

You're welcome. I didn't really regret it. [Letting Helen ask a tough question.] I kinda semi-regret it.

FH: With all due respect, sir, you are monstrously incapable of regret.

Anyway your performance at the Gridiron was just brilliant.

FH: Nice save. A little smarmy patter really makes everything all right. Love ya, too.